HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
You Might Also Like
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
For those that worship cheese..
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
dam girl