I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
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me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?