Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
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hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.