them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
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If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]