My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
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Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.