I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
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Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
what the
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
what?