I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
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I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
😲 WTF? 😆
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )