My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
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website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.