Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
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The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Sooo many times…..