A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
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*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
God making man in his image was the original selfie