Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
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Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
My life in a nutshell
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
If looks could kill