Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
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sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
What a chick magnet..
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.