Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
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Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess