Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
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Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*