I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
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“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.