Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
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I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
My dad is at it again
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard