“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
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HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
The Punning Dead.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.