I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
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If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins