The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
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Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.