I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
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I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Well well well…
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.