Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
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[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.