Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
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very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
concern
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.