Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
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[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
same energy
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I created you as mosquito food.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!