Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
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Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I’m too immature for adultery.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Is….Is this an option?
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.