The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
You Might Also Like
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB