My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
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Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.