Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
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[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
#parenting
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones