Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
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it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything