Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
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Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
6: are snakes just neck?
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.