turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
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[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
new shirt idea
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.