The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
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Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
For cardio I live beyond my means.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.