ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
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Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.