i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
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I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
This is the one
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.