judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
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Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
This is a whole mood;
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
listen closely
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.