If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
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It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.