Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
You Might Also Like
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Cha-ching is my safe word