If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
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date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.