[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
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I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.