Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
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[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Pot warmers of the day.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…