“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
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Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
@funTweeters
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?