I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
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How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.