Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
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[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys