Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
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im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.