Come back with a warrant
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The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what