I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
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Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!