Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
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Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*