me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
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Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family