“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
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*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
so weird how every mom was born today
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.