we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
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Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup