I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
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Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?